The LMAO ABC’s of Pregnancy

     If you’ve never been pregnant before and you still think that pregnancy is a beautiful thing, you’re dead wrong. Of course I didn’t know this either until I became pregnant myself. I don’t know which Disney movie mystified me into thinking otherwise, but the truth about pregnancy is far from “glowing” as a portable toilet is to a spring flower. So, I came up with my own ABC humor about the dirty little things you never knew about being pregnant. Brace yourselves! (Based on my own experience – Everyone is different.)

Pregnancy Brought to you by…

The Letter “A”

• Appointments

  • Little did I know that once my ‘at home test’ was positive I would be spending the rest of my life (or at least that’s how I view it) in doctor’s offices all across the land.

• Appetite

  • My appetite before pregnancy was poor. I would eat very little and far between. Now that I am pregnant I must eat more and that seems “still” to be a major thorn in my side – but now that I am 22 weeks pregnant my appetite has increased and my doctors are very happy.

• Acne

  • Acne has always been a struggle for me – even now in my early 30’s. With pregnancy it seemed to have cleared up, but I still have small whiteheads that don’t seem to want to go away after weeks and weeks.

The Letter “B”

• Brush

  • Brushing your stinkin’ teeth is so important during this hormonal war. If you don’t keep up your oral hygiene you can lose teeth easily, but this is not the only reason this happens. (Check out the “The Letter C” section)

• Bowels

  • My bowels seem to be as mystifying as the days go on. I have had every kind of consistency you’ve never heard of – to the point where it is so inconsistent I can’t be far from home too long. (…or be 100% sure a fart is just a fart.)

• Back Pain

  • OMG! There are days where I feel like I’m an 80-year-old man that has made a living getting ran over by dump trucks.

• Boobs

  • This seemed to be one of the earliest and most unwelcomed symptom of my pregnancy to date. Pre pregnancy, I was a 36DD (and I’m not trying to brag – boobs have haunted my whole life) now that I’m 22 weeks my bra size is 36EE! My boobs outweigh my baby bump… and none of my shirts fit – not even my larger maternity shirts.

• Blood

  • Get ready give a lot! My first blood test were 20 vials! It seems like my doc’s are selling it because every 2 weeks I have to purge at least 4-5 vials worth.

The Letter “C”

• Calcium

  • Don’t skimp on this important vitamin – if you do you are liable to be heading to the dentist for a tooth extraction or to your stylist for a comb over.

• Constipation

  • “This is such a beautiful time in your life,” said everyone… I didn’t know that being plugged up was part of beauty. Doctors gave me Miralax, a laxative that does absolutely nothing. I’ve learned that mushrooms and lots of water work better than this “Mira-nothing.”

• Cramps

  • I’m getting used to the idea that my menstrual cycle had nothing on my pregnancy. So at this time, I would like to publicly apologize to my ovaries for the nasty things I said about them.

The Letter “D”

• Doctors

  • Primary Care, OBGYN’s, Nutritionist’s, Radiologist’s, Nephrologist’s, Physical Therapist’s, Ophthalmologist’s, Specialist’s and the list goes on.

• Drugs

  • I’m not talking about street drugs, but the one’s you are prescribed to you by a doctor. In my case I wasn’t on too many, but once I became pregnant all my medications needed to be changed. I also had to start taking baby aspirin in-conjunction with my blood pressure medication.

• Dehydration

  • I am constantly thirsty and have an arsenal of water bottles by my bed every night. If I don’t take care of my quench a whole army of “friends” join me the next day. (Headaches, constipation, tiredness…)

• Depression

  • I’m not going to be shy about this, there have been many of days during my pregnancy where I don’t want to leave my bed. The weird part is, I may not be particularly sad about anything but stressed from all the symptoms bogging me down. (Please reach out to your doctor if you EVER feel depressed and discuss your treatment options. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.)

• Diarrhea

  • It may be gross or worrisome, but I look at on the bright side – it’s better than constipation!

• Discharge

  • I have recently in the past month or two, had to purchase panty liners. It’s embarrassing when you spring a leak or are accompanied with an unexplained odor in the room.

The Letter “E”

• Education

  • TMI comes to mind. You will never learn too much about pregnancy and all that accompanies it.

• Emotions

  • Ha! I feel bad for my husband – not really though. Bipolar mood swings are here to stay until this sweet baby comes out of this fowl-mouthed mama!

The Letter “F”

• Farts

  • You won’t even feel them coming on sometimes. “Oops… Sorry I’m pregnant.” Make sure they are what you think they are though…

• Forgetfulness

  • Baby brain is real yo… Get lots of sleep and write important things down as soon as you think of them.

The Letter “G”

• Gums

  • My gums have bled way too much while brushing. I started using Crest Pro Health mouthwash and this seems to work pretty well. The hormones are the cause of this increase of “pink in the sink.”

• Gas

  • Ya I’m not as lady-like as I used to be pre-pregnancy. Burping, farting and rumbling stomach is a real sweet treat.

The Letter “H”

• Headaches

  • From what I gather from Siri, headaches are the number 1 symptom that most pregnant women endure. They are a constant daily battle.

• Hemorrhoid’s

  • Oh man! Combine this precious symptom with constipation and you’ll be calling your doctor asking if your in labor. Yes, seriously.

•  Heartburn

  • For me, heartburn will appear after eating anything. I could eat a banana and it will flare up so bad that I can’t even breathe without coughing. On the other hand, I could eat a spicy burrito and be as happy as bowl of cheerios.

• Hypertension

  • Honestly, I have been struggling with high blood pressure ever since my kidneys caused me to have over 100+ strokes over a six month period. Since I have been pregnant my BP has been monitored regulary and seems to be under control for the moment.

The Letter “I”

• Indecisiveness

  • I think this goes hand-in-hand with “baby brain.” Tou can get so hungry or whatever – you’ll get more overwhelmed rather than produce any real solutions.

The Letter “J”

• Jiggle

  • ok I had struggled to find a “J” word. 🙂 Anyway, with the weight gain and the extra little pudge, I get a little jiggly.

The Letter “K”

• Kidneys

  • I have suffered kidney disease for more than two decades now. They were the reason for my blindness, strokes and all that goes with it. Going into my pregnancy I had a large amount of calcium build up, making me go into stage four renal failure – but the baby has cured me for now and sucked all the calcium out of me.

The Letter “L”

• Love-Handles

  • Gawd I hope these go away… My underwear now have a muffin top.

• Libido

  • All I can kindly say is that it comes & goes.

• Lotion

  • I’ve never really been a big lotion person, but I really see a huge difference in my skin since I have been using ig. I bought about six bottles of Palmer’s Cocoa Butter (Amazon $2-$3 a bottle) and so far I have not noticed any stretch marks (knock on wood).

The Letter “M”

• Mood Swings

  • Do we even need to talk about this?

The Letter “N”

• New

  • I have had to buy lots of new things I wasn’t prepared for. Shirts, pants, underwear, liners, hemorrhoid creams etc..

• “No!”

  • This sweet baby is already ruling my life and she hasn’t even taken her first breath yet. The foods I would so lovingly call “my favorite” are now repulsive. I guess it just happens…

• “Now!”

  • Here comes a little afterthought on the topic of “appetite.” It has many nights where I have woken up out of a dead sleep and starving. I felt in that moment that if I didn’t eat right then, I would die.

• Nausea

The Letter “O”

• Overwhelmed

  • I have to keep reminding myself that I’m pregnant and things are not as bad as they seem. Gotta breathe!

The Letter “P”

• Prenatal’s

  • I had a hard time deciding on which prenatal vitamin I could commit to. I ultimately chose a gummy version, but soon learned that was a bad idea. These gummies had it all, but a variety of flavors – so every morning I dread the monotonous taste.

• Pain

  • This has been a real struggle. You just never know where the pain will hit you next. My ankles hurt, hips hurt, feet etc.

The Letter “Q”

• Questions

  • So many unanswered questions – they keep me up at night. Siri is really getting sick of me asking her silly questions… Too embarrassed to ask mom though.

The Letter “R”

• Resources

  • Especially during the 2020 pandemic, resources for pregnant women were difficult to attend. Everything was online and for me being vision impacted, this was no way to get what I needed.

The Letter “S”

• Sleep

  • Starting at 18 weeks my sleep has been off. I would have to get up and pee in the middle of the night and then lay back down with my eyes open until daylight came roaring through my bedroom.

• Sex

  • Not talkin’ ’bout gender. When a man loves a [pregnant] woman, she tends to not reciprocate that same love once she’s been puking her brains out all day. However, hormones make that same woman do funny things sometimes. 😉

The Letter “T”

• Teeth

  • Brush em’.

• Tums

  • These wonderful chewable horse pills have been added to my daily routine. Even bananas give me heartburn.

The Letter “U”

• Urine

  • I have been a urine cow. Somedays I have to go every 15 minutes on the clock. You just cannot be productive without a toilet at your desk!

The Letter “V”

• Vomiting

  • I’ve literally been sitting on the couch vegging out and all of a sudden my mouth was filled with my lunch from hours later. I still have no clarity on this horrific event. I have a suspicion my daughter has a something to do with it though.

The Letter “W”

• Weight

  • My doctor recently shed some knowledge on this bright and shining vomiting head… Although I had gained 8 pounds during my 22 weeks – she was dissatisfied that I hadn’t gained 12! Appearantly there is a weight gain schedule that needs to be followed. cake or ice cream, what will it be?

The Letter “X”

• Xanthic

  • Yes, yellow stuff comes and goes – get those panty liners ladies!

The Letter “Y”

• Yawns

  • If I get enough sleep this doesn’t happen, not. I wake up yawning and even yawn during sleep.

The Letter “Z”

• Zeal

  • Pregnancy brought me many, many new experiences. One of the most prominent was mood swings… So not only will you feel zeal, but most likely in an hour or two you’ll want to rip a head off someone’s loving shoulders. 🙂